Ask Granny enjoyed this clip sent to her on Mother’s Day!
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at
> the local health club.
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> and give it a try.
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
> for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes,
> and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines… I enjoyed watching
> the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
> be a FANTASTIC week!!
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
> worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to
> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
> morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
> monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
> shape and enjoy life. He said some other rubbish too.
> Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being
> a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
> hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
> I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
> other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I
> could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And
> if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or
> anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
> or the choir director?
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made
> me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
> strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> hours of the Weather Channel.
> I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a
> hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
> have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!